Oh, so tired.

Despite the fact that I did absolutely nothing today, I am horribly tired. The most strenuous activity of the day was walking from the parking garage to the office. Since UT’s campus isn’t very big, I didn’t have to walk far. I guess it is partly my brain that is tired. I’ve been loopy and giddy all day. I was laughing at things that were only slightly funny (like Ashley focusing on saying “caught” versus “cot”) and interrupting people (like Dr. Fitz!) and talking too loud. I also managed to equate hair with a bell. While I didn’t laugh, Dr. Gregory did. At least I have been amusing to other people. Maybe that counts as doing something. I think everything would have worked out if I’d only had a little more caffeine. Those three (or was it four?) cups of coffee were not enough, apparently. I did feel the urge at about 7 PM, but the vending machine was out again. In the perfect world, people would not let that happen! I think we should start a movement to have the companies who let their vending machines run out frequently should be fined $100 per day that they let it be empty. I wouldn’t be tired then! Of course I probably wouldn’t sleep very well tonight either.

What are you eating?

One problem that seems to go hand in hand with graduate school is the loss of any sort of healthy diet. There are many reasons for that loss, and it presents itself in different ways for different people. I have begun eating a lot more processed food that I used to, and I am also eating some slightly strange foods. Today, I did both (and for lunch, it was at the same time!). I was much more successful on the healthy part for breakfast. I brought a banana, almond butter, and a whole wheat pita. After I taught my 8 AM class, I ripped the pita in half, smeared almond butter on the inside of the pockets, then cut my banana in fourths to put on top of the peanut butter. Apparently, this looked very strange, because as I was eating it, Jason came in and asked me in a slightly disgusted voice, what exactly it was that I was eating. He was less disgusted when I told him what it was. I must admit that it turned out very well. I would like to try it as a Panini with cinnamon and a little honey. When it was time for lunch, I was both weird and unhealthy, which I am sure cancels out anything I gained from breakfast. I ate one of those microwave mac and cheese bowls with broccoli. Not the frozen ones, mind you, but the dried ones. What made it weird was that we don’t have a microwave, so I made it like oatmeal and just put hot water in it and let it sit. It worked okay, but it was a little chewy. It also didn’t soak up all the water, so I had a gross watered down cheese mess in the bottom of the bowl. I think I made up for it at dinner, though, when I had a turkey pita with a lot of lettuce. Hopefully my food health for the day evened out. Maybe I was even on the healthy side! Or maybe not.

Why aren't you getting your Ph.D. again?

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with my friend Ashley about why I wasn’t getting my Ph.D. I have a lot of reasons, but the one I focused on at that point was that I don’t feel like I have the ability to do serious literary research. We had just left UT, and we were looking at the analytical papers we are revising for our final portfolios (a requirement for graduation). My paper had a few comments on it—not a lot—and the two that really stuck out to me were “You have no thesis” and “REALLY? That is the crappiest conclusion I have ever read” (or something like that). Ashley told me that despite these comments, which were not the first of their kind although perhaps the first of their tone, I really could write at that level. And then I told her to shut up. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to hear it, or because I thought she was just saying it to make me feel better (Ashley does not lie or even avoid the truth), that I said it. At that point, I could have been convinced to try to go on in my studies. I was feeling a little like I had the last semester of my undergrad, which is when I applied for grad school the first time. When I hit this “Oh GOD am I going to have to work at McDonalds? Will THEY even hire me?” time right before graduation, I am more and more willing to continue with school. Today, the world decided to remind me of the other big reason I have for not going on in school. I hate being poor. I know that I still may be poor when I graduate, but I will be less poor, even if I work two minimum wage jobs to equal 40 hours a week. What reminded me is that I had to get my rear brake pads and rotors replaced and my front brake pads. I also need to replace my tires. It will be a lot of money. I do not have a lot of money. My stipend doesn’t pay all of my bills and I don’t think I live that extravagantly. My two “treats” are cable and food. I pamper myself with them. I don’t think that is excessive. Of course my mother yelled at me for using my loan to pay today. My question is what was my option? It isn’t like I don’t need brakes! I have been putting off all of the semi-unnecessary maintenance like shocks and the oil leak. Some people think clothes are a necessity, but I don’t buy new clothes, even though the bottoms of my jeans are all ratty and I have stains on my shirts. What could I cut out to make it possible to pay for this? I know! My Ph.D.

The Problem with Long Days

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I am at school from 7:45 AM until 7:00 PM. While I am not in class constantly during that time (I teach at 8 AM, have office hours until 11 AM, have one class at 2 PM, and another at 5:30 PM), I still leave feeling physically tired and tired of school. I don’t particularly want to go home and work on things for class. However, I have to. I am in four classes and teaching one and I don’t really have too much time to waste. Even when I do work when I get home, though, I feel like the work I do suffers. It isn’t my best work by any means. But if I don’t do it, I fret about what a bad student I am. Do I have any support for this? Yes, I do. I feel guilty right now because I have a rerun of Grey’s Anatomy on Lifetime playing, and I am writing this blog, and I have a game going on Facebook. Why am I not working on my Middle English homework?

Sometimes I've been known to make mistakes

Despite the five hundred times I have said that there are no full time teaching positions for Composition instructors, I found two online yesterday at the only two college websites I checked. Of the two, I am qualified for only one of them and I am sure that they will receive many applications for the position. I probably won’t get the job, but the chance is still there. I was still wrong. Obviously, there are some full time teaching positions for Composition instructors. While several of my friends applied for Ph.D. programs, some of them didn’t, and I hope that this is good news for all of us. Admissions are up (according to a newspaper article my father showed me last week) and that means more sections of all those freshman level classes! More sections means more instructors! Wish us luck (I wish you luck, too!).

All career websites are not created equal!

One of the first steps of my career search was to upload my résumé on some job search websites. I assumed that they would all be pretty much the same, but with different employers using different sites. I was horribly, horribly wrong. When I uploaded my résumé to Monster.com and set some search criteria, I got some really good results. There may not be a lot of matches, but they are relevant and I will probably apply for all of them. On the other hand, Careerbuilder.com was a mess. I got a lot of results, but they are mainly jobs that I would have settled for four years ago when I had graduated with my BA. A lot of people contacted me in just the couple of days since I uploaded my résumé. I had two emails from people about clerical positions (their words) and two from people about selling life insurance. Today someone even called me about selling life insurance. He seemed a little annoyed when I said that I was a full time graduate student with an assistantship. That in turn annoyed me because I clearly stated that information on my résumé. The first thing I did when I got home today was delete my Careerbuilder.com account! I think I will stick with Monster.com from now on.

The Beginning

This is the second week of my final semester in graduate school. Somehow I failed to realize quite how stressful it would be. When I scheduled the four classes I am taking—on top of teaching a new class--, I didn’t really think about the fact that I would also be seriously looking for a job. Yesterday, it really sank in. I began emailing previous bosses asking for letters of recommendation and/or permission to use them as references and considering what I really want to do when I graduate. The problem is that I really don’t know. I once asked a professor (when considering going on to pursue my MA in English) how I was supposed to be sure that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. He told me that he still didn’t know that he wanted to be a professor for the rest of his life, that no one ever really knows. Things change. His advice hasn’t really sunk in. I am still questioning myself. “Can I do this for the rest of my life? Should I get my Ph.D.?” “What about teaching English on the high school level?” “Should I just find any job with benefits and work on my writing?” On one level I know that I need to step back and just find a job even though it might not be perfect. On another I am drawn to perfection despite the fact it doesn’t exist. What can I do?